When It All Falls Apart
by chasincloudz
Summary: Maya Matlin's struggling to keep a grip on life, and when she OD's on the roof of Degrassi, her subconscious takes her away to some familiar faces. When she wakes up in the hospital, an old friend is there, and she starts seeing one person in particular who left her a long time ago.
1. Chapter 1

The pills had gone down easy enough, now there was just the task of drifting away to music-the only thing she had left in this life-peacefully. However, it hadn't affected her quickly enough, so she figured it wasn't happening; time for plan b. Maya makes her way to the roof, undetected since everyone was in the gym watching Miles's play. She plans to jump, jump like Cam had on the catwalk which resulted in his broken arm. This was different though, she wasn't doing it to get out of hockey, but rather life. Actually, now that she thought about it, it **_was_ ** the same.

As she laid unconscious on the roof, foaming at the mouth, she finally felt at peace. She drifted away to a different place. One with beautiful music playing, and bright lights, no pain or anger. The sound of the cello played, coincidentally the very piece she had auditioned with after the death of her ex-boyfriend. Her head swivels as she tries to find the source of the music, and instead her blue eyes lock on none other than the ex known as Campbell Saunders.

* * *

He'd seen everything. He saw how she'd been spiraling, how she was quietly yelling for help. Meanwhile, two other girls-Lola and Shay, whom he hadn't met personally-had been worried _their_ friend was suicidal because of her new hairstyle. How shallow. She'd been looking at videos of tragedies, accidents, and it terrified him. How did no one see what was going on with her? But then again, when he'd been in that frame of mind, everyone thought he was just having a bad day and sad sometimes. Now here his ex-girlfriend was, going through the same thing. He might have self harmed with his hockey skate's blade, and jumping down from the catwalk to injury his arm, but she was doing another method.

Posing for horrific photos, where she played the part of a corpse, worrying her friend Grace; someone ACTUALLY dying. How had she fallen so forcefully? He thought she'd be over him by now, over the grief and okay now, better after she got help and collapsed in her sister's arms that day she yelled and her voice broke. It'd ached, seeing her break down after she tried to act like it was all okay, that she was fine. He had believed for a fraction of a second that she didn't miss him, and she had good reason to hate him, he had been a coward and selfish for doing what he did.

Hoot laid in his grave with him though, not her anymore. Maya had been last to see him at the service, and placed Hoot beside him, _'to keep you from being lonely, like he did for me at camp._ ' He had wondered if she'd go see him, considering what she said at his candlelight vigil, and was thankful she did. It was all she had said, and she didn't shed any tears. Just like now, she was dry-eyed and wide-eyed, not that he blamed her. Her dead ex-boyfriend was standing in front of her.

"Hi, Maya."


	2. Chapter 2

**I Blame You**

This is insane, why the hell does she see HIM? Is she in Heaven, or Hell? People who commited suicide went to Hell, didn't they? It'd make sense she's here with him, but not the beautiful music or bright lights. Her breath catches, something she didn't think could happen now that she's dead, and Maya moves a step back away from him. "What are you doing here?" She tries to sound cold even though her voice is barely a whisper, but her voice cracks and gives her away. _**Dammit**_.

Closing her eyes, she brings her fists to them, thinking that he'll be gone when she opens them again. Instead, she hears him walk over to her, and his hands-warm and gentle, like they had been when he was alive-take hers from her face. "Open those beautiful blue eyes I missed, I want to look at them, it's been awhile." Squeezing them tighter, she shakes he head, and he frowns. "You're mad at me, I get it. Why should you forgive me, after all, I was nothing special. You moved on fast."

He's goading her, and she knows it, but still it hurts and her mouth opens to snap, "I moved on because you obviously wanted to, breaking up with me through text and killing yourself in my sister's greenhouse. They never told me how you did it, and I never knew why. I tried to be a good girlfriend, and help you balance hockey and fun, but you never admit how sad you were! I _couldn't_ help you, because you never freaking opened up."

He listens patiently, glad she's even speaking, and shoves his hands in his pockets with a small nod. "You have anything else you want to get off your chest?" His words make her remember when Dallas had teased about her flat chest, and she'd gotten rubber 'chicken cutlets' to make her look fuller in that area. She'd tried out for Mo's band that day, and one had ended up falling out; God, she'd been mortified, but Tori had been there for her.

Tori, yet _another_ person who left her, just like Cam. Everyone left her, including Adam her bandmate, and the rage grows stronger. "No, I'm not done, I have more to say. I hated you for what you did, hated missing you and feeling sad, when _you had dumped me._ I wondered for so long what I could have done differently, why I didn't realize, and I tried to play it off. I tried to move on, forget you even exisisted. I went to a party, got drunk for the first time, was mean to Zig. A boy named Harry and I ended up kissing and a girl recorded us, and that stupid video cost me my audition! _I blame you_ , Cam, for all of it! If you hadn't RUINED MY LIFE, I wouldn't have ruined my own, I wouldn't be the way I am now." Her hands are threading through her blonde hair now, and she's tugging in anger and frustration.

She had been so **happy** freshman year, her first boyfriend, good friends like Tori and Tris and Zig. Now Tris didn't talk to her, it was all about Zoe, and Tori was gone, Zig had Esme; a total bitch, but one he called his girlfriend. "I kept screwing up, _I'm_ screwed up, don't you get that? I was in a bus crash and it put Tristan into a coma! I kept watching videos of accidents and tragedies, hoping to feel something, sunk underwater in my own bathtub...just to feel. I haven't been happy for a long time, and nobody has noticed!"

Just like no one really noticed how he was struggling. If he had been alive, would he have picked up on it? Would he have been able to keep her from this reality? Her voice is hoarse from yelling, and she is so angry she wants to cry. "I **overdosed** , that's why I'm here, but you probably know that. I swallowed a bunch of pills, went to the school bus; it's where the accident happened, where I should have died. I would listen to my music and just drift off, nobody would find out until the next day. Guess what? Mine wasn't as easy as whatever you did, it didn't take. I headed to the school roof, where DALLAS almost did it, and thought of jumping."

He winces, and she can't keep a smirk from appearing at gettiing him to react. "I walked on the edges, and it all happened at once. I fell to the ground and everything went dark, _**I felt at peace**_."

Yeah, so had he, like he could finally breathe again. "It's not like Katie and my mom wanted me around anyway, I was just causing more trouble for them, they wanted the OLD MAYA. She's gone, they didn't understand that. She died a long time ago, right along with you."

He blinks, fingers moving to the bridge of his nose as he rubs at his brown eyes, wiping away the tears forming. "I liked her a lot."


	3. Chapter 3

She'd been cheated on by Zig, the person who wanted to be with her since the beginning. The person who had spoken last to Campbell and finalized his decision. After the trolling because of her song and feminist choices led to a terrifying Swatting, she was already in a bad place, then she found out he hooked up with her enemy, Zoe. He cheated on her while she was away trying to pursue her _dream_ , because he was insecure and getting upset because she wasn't answering her phone while away in New York with a friend.

True, Cam would've been worried too, but never would he cheat. Even from where he was, Cam had wanted to scream and tell her the truth, but of course, he couldn't. Her friend Grace, she knew, but didn't say anything either; meaning Maya had gotten angry with her too. Maya'd had her fair share of betrayal and feeling alone, and the loneliness had came back full throttle.

Zig had tried fixing it with dinner when they scheduled to talk, even practically admitted to his best friend that he planned to marry Maya someday, but she didn't show up. Angrily, he'd gone to her house and put blame on her for him cheating, ruined the project she'd been working on.

 _How dare he say it was her fault too, who says that to someone?_ Cam had thought angrily. Grace even ended up siding with the jerk, because of her own personal feelings. Cam didn't think it was right, and neither did Maya. She didn't need to play nice to someone who had done something so awful, it wasn't fair to ask her to, either. However, Grace and Maya ended up compromising; Grace made a sort of schedule for when she hung out with whom, giving Maya the majority of the days, since Zig had been the one to mess up.

Cam couldn't help but wonder what would have transpired had he still been alive. Would he and Maya still have been together, or would she have ended up with Zig anyway? What would Grace, the girl with blue-tinted hair and nose studs, have thought of him? Maybe one day he'd find out, but he hoped not too soon; he knows she's sick with cystic fibrosis, and even if he disagreed with her still being Zig's friend, he wanted her to have as many days **alive** as possible.

"You must have had a riot when Zig cheated on me, and then my best friend fell for him." She scoffs, eyes rolling at him. "Probably said 'I told you so', too." She knows it's not true, Campbell was never cruel, but she's so angry she can't help but snap.

"I never would've said anything like that, Maya. I just felt bad for you, and terrible because I wasn't there for you."

"How could you be, you were selfish and chose to kill yourself when nothing REALLY bad was happening."

Ouch. She just dismissed how he'd been feeling in that time. All the doubt of her choosing Zig, the homesickness, the pressure of being a good boyfriend and an Ice Hound, it'd all taken its toll on him and in one sentence she completely made it feel like he really hadn't had problems.

He turns away, shaking his head. "Don't be cruel, we both were going through things. No, I wasn't cheated on, and no I wasn't in an accident, but you don't know what I was going through. Unlike me, you didn't have to watch the one you care about suffer, you just saw me the one time at my weakest. I had to see you go through everything, and it hurt."

Yeah, right, what bull. It hurt him. He hadn't thought of her when he killed himself.

"Grace and Jonah, your friends, they _never_ abandoned you."

Wrong! They decided to work with Miles on the play instead of her. True, she had a new obsession with the disturbing photos Saad took, but still; they hadn't know that when they chose to replace her. Plus Grace had blocked her everywhere after she sent photos of what she'd been doing, and told the principal.

A meeting had been called with Ms. Grell, her mom, and Simpson, they said wanted the old Maya back and that if she didn't change she'd move schools. In her senior year. Like hell that was going to happen. She'd tried. She reached out to Grace and Jonah for the play again, but they didn't want her because she snitched about it having suicide mentions.

'-because you're a terrible friend.'

'I just don't want you in my life anymore.'

Those words were final, not an ounce of sympathy. Maybe she wasn't dying like Grace, but she still was allowed to have feelings. Why was it wrong for _her_ to feel so hopeless and numb?

"I heard you talk about me, to that new guy you met? Saad, right? You told him what happened."

"I didn't know enough to tell him."

"You don't want to know how, Maya. Trust me."

The wave of desperation washes over her, the feeling of despair and fear. She didn't want to be like this. She didn't want to disappoint everyone and FAIL them, fail him. Everyone who left her, that's why, they got tired of her being a screw up.

One stupid kiss, a brief moment of remembering how things were, how happy she was with Zig once...and Esme became an enemy too. Could she do anything right? Her breaths start coming quicker, and her chest tightens.

Panic attack.


	4. Chapter 4

"Breathe. You're okay." Cam is beside her, talking her down, and looking into her blue eyes with his brown ones. She's getting worked up, remembering, and it's not doing any favors for her. The conversation she had with Zig was similar to the one she had with him when he was depressed. Right down to the 'everyone gets sad sometimes'. Except she felt _numb_.

"I got you, Maya, you're safe." He wouldn't let anything happen to her here. "Your mom knows you didn't mean anything you did or said, she still loves you. Katie does too." Talking about her family might help her to calm down, and he instantly begins chattering on about their date to the mall, how they'd lost her sister and went into a picture booth.

Her photos of him were hidden away now, in the bottom of her sock drawer, and she had pulled them out after the movie night with Mom and Katie. They'd watched **The Wizard of Oz** , her favorite movie of all-time, and had junk food in matching jammies. It was one last good memory of her for them to hold onto, and she hoped it'd be the one they kept of her, and not her dead in the school bus; where she should've died.

Sobs rock her body, and her deceased ex-boyfriend holds onto her, not shushing, just comforting. "You fixed your mom's mirror, that was very kind, something you would do." The anger from the depression had caused her to lash out this time, rather than be sad, like after he'd died.

Therapy didn't help the first time and when they suggested it, she was in denial about going through this state again. Depression was sad, anxious. It was not angry, numb.

"Your guitar ring, you've kept it this whole time, the one piece of jewelry I always felt against my fingers. Why did you give it to _**Grace**_? Why not your sister, or your mom? Zig, even?"

Her most cherished possession ( other than Hoot, but he already had him ). Talking will keep her mind set, give her something to focus on besides breathing, and instincts will take over so she can on her own automatically. "Grace is-was-my best friend, and even if she wanted me out of her life, I didn't want out of hers. It hurt so much, when she blocked me, but I just wanted her to get it. I wanted her to notice I wasn't okay, and instead, she cuts me off."

"Maya, no. She got you help, because she was worried, and wanted you to get better. She was angry that you told Mr. Simpson something that could stop the play, but her motives weren't malicious. She knows she doesn't have as long as you guys because of her disease, and seeing you posed like you were dead? It terrified her, because you're her best friend. Did you hear how she got so upset, yelled at Jonah to go get help?"

 _I laughed._ "She's in the waiting room, saying how they should've known, with the photos and the song you posted. She has guilt, because she couldn't save you, and you of all people should know how that feels."

The sobbing stops instantly. She does know, even if it took her awhile to reach that point. "Do you hate me, for not being able to save you? I should've known, but I didn't, do you resent me for it?"

He almost laughs, but instead he shakes his head, a half smile-almost a smirk-on his face. "No, Maya, I could never hate you. It wasn't your fault, I didn't blame you, you were the best girlfriend. I know you hated me for awhile, for leaving you, not saying good-bye. I'm sorry I didn't, but I thought it'd be easier on you, I guess."

It really hadn't been. If he had said good-bye, she might've been able to stop him, and he knew that. Cam didn't want her to have guilt if she couldn't, but she had anyway. "You weren't sad this time, but angry, and everyone important knows why now. When you saw Tristan at the play, you freaked out, left. Why is that?"

In a way, he's psychoanalyzing her, but it's easier to talk to him than it is a therapist or her mom even. She shrugs, still in his arms, and her dark blue eyes wander down to her hands. "He overcame a coma after months, and I've been unable to get my head straight ever since. When the bus crashed, he was all twisted and warped, and I remember screaming. I screamed for him, for Zig, and myself."

 _She doesn't remember. There was one more name you called out, Maya, one you hadn't said in years. You said it, because you saw me. I was there with you, I did everything I could so you got out. You made it out alive, albeit with two broken wrists. I know you were afraid you'd never make your dream come true because of the accident, but you healed, and bounced back. Physically, at least._

Maya continues, "He was better, better than before, and I was still in the same place."

 _So am I._


End file.
